Happy new year!
I went awol on most forms of social media this festive season. It was just me and baby ET for quite a large portion as Mr T had to work (Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve and New Years Day to be precise - ugh!) and I thought taking myself away from the festivities might make me feel like I was not missing out quite as much.
This has been my fifth Christmas away from family and friends in the UK and Ireland, and I hate to admit it but it doesn't get any easier as the years go on. Our aim was to complete five years as expats, save up some money and return to the UK when things have picked up. As we enter into our fifth year out in Dubai, we have nearly reached our goal and are very nearly ready to move home.
I am getting itchy feet, in reality, I think my feet started to itch straight after I landed here in Dubai. I don't hate the place, in fact I think it is a wonderful place to live. Its safe, there is no tax, there is lots of sunshine, amazing restaurants and bars and don't even get me started on the hotels - all future hotel stays have been forever ruined!! However the pull of loved ones at home is really strong for me, so strong it actually makes me ache meaning that I have struggled to really find my feet here.
My goals for 2015 are to try and make what may potentially be my last year living here a happy one. I spent a great deal of 2014 in an unhappy place. Putting my baby to bed for the last time in 2014, I whispered to him that I promised to be a happier mummy next year. It breaks my heart to admit it but I have been a very sad mummy over the past year. Post natal depression - I never thought for a second that this would affect me, but it did.
On the face of it I looked as if I had everything, an amazing husband, a beautiful and healthy baby, a nice house and lovely possessions, however in reality I was in a very sad place. Longing for company, for those who have known me for years who I can open up to and know that I will not be judged and feeling utterly hopeless that I didn't have this. I believed that my baby and husband would be better off without me in their lives.
I struggle with opening up to people, which is not ideal when you are going through a sad time as it is opening up what helps you to get through the sadness.
Whilst I am not 100 percent through the woods, I can admit now that I hit a stumbling block and I am dealing with it. I have a fantastic husband who I can talk to about anything and a great friend actually here in Dubai who I can talk to, who just gets it and actually listens. When you become a mother, people are so keen to pass on their two cents when they have absolutely no idea what you are going through and how their words (which for the most part are coming straight out of their arses) can send you spiralling into despair. People sometimes just don't listen. Whilst mother and baby groups and talking to fellow mums is fantastic and a great way to share experiences, be careful with what pearls of wisdom you choose to take on board. I for the most part found these groups and these chats incredibly overwhelming and leaving me feeling totally alone in the world and like the worst mother alive.
I set myself the goal a few months ago to document all the things that make me happy, to try and focus on positivity. It did work but I found it quite draining as I really am a lazy cow sometimes and just one of those people who often sees the glass as being half empty. I will definitely try to carry this on though, no one likes negative Nancy all the time do they?!
I am not entirely sure how this post has ended up the way it has - I was only meant to be telling you about my new years resolutions and I have ended up spilling my guts out. It feels good to put it out there though and be able to say I am feeling better and ready to start feeling happy again.
Happy 2015 for anyone who is still reading! I hope it is a happy one :-)